Chapter 14

“Hicc... sniff... sniff...”

Vivian tried holding her breath to somehow stop her tears, but the flowing tears wouldn’t cease.

She was so tired of the constant neglect.

The adults’ hostile attitudes terrified her.

There was no one to help.

Everything was still too overwhelming for her to handle.

“Hiccup... sob... sniff...”

She pressed her mouth tightly as tears streamed down her face.

If others saw her like this, they wouldn’t pity her; they’d surely sigh and think she was pathetic.

That’s why she hid to cry.

It was a side she couldn’t even show to the guards.

She had found a spot in the garden of Rondor’s courtyard.

Squeezing deep into the garden where no one was, she wept.

But then, a sound came from behind her.

Startled, she turned around to see the person she least wanted to face standing there.

Kylo Allen.

The eldest son of the Allen family, whom she’d been watching for months—the root of all these troubles.

How much more did he intend to humiliate her?

Not wanting to show her face, Vivian turned her head away again. She tried to endure the hiccupping breaths against her will.

She squatted down, showing only her back to Kylo as she shed tears.

“...Did... sniff... did you see?”

Vivian asked without realizing it.

She feared he might have caught her shameful scene from earlier.

“Being ignored by the family knights?”

But Kylo asked back nonchalantly.

Perhaps it was just her imagination, but his voice seemed full of mockery.

Vivian’s fists clenched naturally. If there were a hole, she’d want to hide in it.

Why did Kylo Allen keep catching her like this?

Why did the person she least wanted to show her weakness keep seeing exactly that?

From her usual crying, that night, being hit by Madam Linne, and even today’s incident...

The things her own retainers, who should be on her side, didn’t know about were paradoxically all being shown to her enemy.

It was utterly humiliating.

“...Hic... just... go...”

Vivian finally said to Kylo.

She couldn’t say anything else. She just wished Kylo Allen wasn’t there.

He was the one who said he hated seeing people cry. There was no need for him to go out of his way to watch something he disliked.

“...”

Receiving no reply, Vivian briefly turned her head to look back, thinking he might have left.

Kylo Allen was still standing there.

He gave a belated reply.

“...I don’t want to.”

—Smack!

At his words, Vivian picked up a pebble from the ground and threw it at him.

—Thud!

Kylo Allen didn’t even flinch.

Filled with resentment, Vivian huffed, but it was she who crumbled first at his unresponsive demeanor.

Once again, she shed tears in front of him.

Moreover, there was no longer any reason to suppress her sobs.

The person she least wanted to be seen crying by had already witnessed her; who else could she hide it from?

So she just let go and cried out loud.

Strangely, Kylo Allen said nothing.

She thought he would tease or mock her, but he just stood there, as if listening.

.

.

.

By the time she had poured out all her tears, Kylo Allen moved.

He approached step by step and squatted down in front of her.

A musty smell of dust. And a faint scent of blood.

That was Kylo Allen’s scent.

Their gazes met.

“...”

“...”

Deep, unfathomable black eyes were right in front of her.

She couldn’t grasp what he was thinking.

Her feelings were complicated.

She wanted to run away because she didn’t want to be entangled with Kylo Allen like this, but she felt that running away would feel like losing again.

So she couldn’t move and couldn’t escape from him.

“Why are you being ignored?”

Kylo asked.

“What?”

“Why are you being ignored by the knights?”

“...”

She hated him for casually picking at her wounds, so Vivian asked back with resentment.

“...Why should I tell you that?”

“...”

Clicking his tongue, Kylo Allen scratched his head roughly.

He seemed frustrated but couldn’t express it in words.

But even Vivian, who had given a curt reply, felt the same frustration.

She thought about confiding the knot in her heart to someone.

Being entangled with him was awkward, but having watched each other for the past few months, their presence had become somewhat natural to each other.

“In our family, if a knight ignores the head like that, it’s a death sentence, you know?”

“...”

“...But it’s so absurd that you’re just taking it like an idiot.”

At Kylo’s accusatory words, Vivian lowered her head with a slight scoff.

She knew it too—that she was a pathetic head of the family, that she was being treated ridiculously.

But the situation couldn’t be helped.

Unaware of this, Kylo Allen continued.

“So tell me. Let me at least understand. What was that earlier?”

“...”

“If you’re being ignored to that extent, won’t our family’s reputation—which has been steadily fighting against you—be downgraded as well?”

“...”

Squatting down, Vivian gently sifted through the pebbles between herself and Kylo with her fingers.

She wanted to talk. Because she couldn’t tell anyone else.

She wanted to breathe. Because she wanted to escape this pressure.

Perhaps that’s why Vivian couldn’t hold back anymore and muttered her true feelings.

“...Are you really asking because you don’t know...?”

If even one person had been by her side to listen, she would never have said such things to Kylo Allen, even if it killed her.

But she didn’t have that one person.

“You’ve seen it all, felt it all. You know everything. Why pretend not to know and make me feel even more miserable?”

“I really don’t know.”

When you look at someone’s face up close, you can sense a certain sincerity.

There was no hypocrisy in Kylo’s attitude right now.

At his earnest expression, Vivian bit her lip and let her inner thoughts spill out.

“Because of you... everyone died and only I am left... Isn’t it natural?”

“Why is that natural?”

“Because I don’t have the dignity like my father, brother, or mother...”

“But you’re still the head.”

Vivian, who had begun to speak little by little, continued as if pouring out her heart.

“I always stutter when I talk, and I cry—a head like me? Honestly, if it were me...”

“You’re not stuttering now.”

Wondering what he was talking about, Vivian thought for a moment and then suddenly lifted her head in realization.

“...Huh...?”

As she searched for an answer, Vivian’s expression crumpled. She then said,

“T-that’s because when I’m with you, I get so angry I could explode...!”

“Now you’re stuttering.”

“Ah, seriously...!”

Feeling the urge to slap him, Vivian raised her hand.

But seeing Kylo remain completely unmoved, she lost the will to do so.

It seemed that hitting him would only hurt her own hand.

Kylo Allen had a tendency to accept everything stoically, like a stone.

“Ha,” Vivian sighed, and Kylo continued.

“But do they really ignore you that much for just that? Because you lack dignity and leadership? Where’s their loyalty? Are all southern knights like that?”

“N-not all of them, but... there was another incident with Sir Baelor recently.”

“What incident? No, just tell me everything at once, please. I thought you just stuttered, but you can’t even hold a conversation. You really are an idiot.”

Vivian shouted back at the frustrated Kylo Allen.

“Th-there’s been an issue with the executions! We haven’t been able to carry them out recently...”

“Why can’t you carry out the executions? You just need to kill the convicts.”

“...To kill someone, I have to stamp the seal.”

“Then stamp it.”

Vivian shot a sharp glance at Kylo Allen once again.

Strangely, Kylo was the one who awkwardly cleared his throat and avoided her gaze.

Vivian steadied herself.

He says such things because he doesn’t understand; he thinks his life is easy.

“If I... if I stamp the seal... in the end, I’m the one killing them.”

“...”

“I’m still... I just can’t...”

She fidgeted with her fingers again. Her arms trembled intermittently as if she had goosebumps.

Vivian still couldn’t forget how she felt when she lifted the seal.

She couldn’t believe that a person’s life weighed only that much.

She was terrified that a life could disappear because of her decision.

No matter what anyone says, she’d be the one executing the condemned.

It was still too overwhelming for her.

She had long hoped others would just handle it on their own.

But in carrying out executions, the lord’s seal was essential, and Vivian couldn’t escape that responsibility.

Afraid that Kylo might mock her for being so weak, Vivian quickly changed the subject.

“A-also... we don’t have an executioner right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s no one to behead the convicts. I have to appoint someone new.”

“Then appoint one.”

“Wh-who wants to be an executioner? Just being appointed is a huge insult...!”

“In our family, Father usually did it.”

At his words, she naturally thought how barbaric that was. Is that how northerners are?

Being an executioner is inherently associated with bloody and cruel tasks, so everyone wants to avoid it.

Because they deal with death, they’re often considered impure beings.

Usually, it’s a hereditary occupation with families dedicated to being executioners... but the family that served as Rondor’s executioners was wiped out during the war.

In such a situation, choosing a new executioner is difficult.

It’s like ordering a family to become executioners for generations.

“Come to think of it, this is your family’s fault too...! You killed all our executioners...”

“Whining won’t bring them back.”

“...”

“And if being an executioner is an insult, make Baelor do it. Good chance to get back at him for disrespecting you.”

“Wow, so you want me to completely fall out with Sir Baelor?”

It was hard to imagine what kind of chaos would ensue if she ordered the First Knight Commander to act as an executioner.

Vivian was dumbfounded by Kylo Allen’s words, which seemed to lack any thought.

She sneered.

“Ha, if you had stayed in the Allen family and gone into politics, it would’ve been quite a sight. Don’t you consider your vassals’ feelings?”

Kylo Allen smirked.

“Because you’re always worrying about others’ opinions, you end up being ignored and disrespected. You have to crush them with power so they can’t say a word.”

“...”

At his brief but sharp remark, Vivian couldn’t find a retort.

In truth, although she was speaking confidently, she didn’t know the answer. Should she firmly correct the knights’ attitudes, or should she endure without causing conflict like now...

She was so confused that she thought maybe Kylo Allen was right.

Also, fear was holding her back from doing anything. She didn’t want to admit this to Kylo Allen, though.

“...Easy for you to say.”

So instead, she snapped back.

“It’s easy to say stamping the seal is simple. Easy to say I should punish Sir Baelor. Anyone can spout reckless words. But if you were in my position, you’d struggle just like me.”

“I suppose so.”

Gaining confidence from Kylo Allen’s easy acknowledgment, Vivian shouted.

“Yet you—”

“—But regardless, I would have done what needed to be done. Unlike you, sitting here crying because it’s hard.”

Once again, Vivian was at a loss for words.

...Strangely enough, it felt like his words might be true. Kylo Allen gave the impression that he would do what was necessary.

He had a tendency to carry out any role given to him.

It was a truth she had realized after watching him over the past few months.

But perhaps interpreting Vivian’s silence as disagreement, Kylo Allen spoke.

“Do you think I’m lying?”

Seeing him provoke her, Vivian’s competitive spirit flared up again.

Childishly, she retorted.

“Yeah. You wouldn’t have been able to do anything.”

Then Kylo Allen calmly said.

“Want me to show you?”

Vivian scoffed at his words.

“Show me what? What can you do? Are you going to stamp the seal for me? Don’t be ridiculous. Do you think you can even touch Rondor’s seal?”

“Who said anything about taking your seal?”

“What?”

“I’ll be the executioner. Then we’re both responsible for the killing.”

“Both...?”

“I can kill. If it’s something that needs to be done. Anyway, when I return to the North and become the head—”

“—What are you talking about? You can’t go back to the North. You’re stuck here for life.”

Cutting off his sudden remark, Vivian declared.

For the first time, Kylo Allen lowered his confident stance and said,

“Well, anyway.”

Then he returned to the main topic.

“I can show you.”

“...”

“As long as you stamp the seal.”

...In the end, it meant she had to stamp the seal herself.

She knew that. It was an unavoidable duty anyway.

Vivian looked down at the ground and clenched her fist.

“Have... have you ever killed someone?”

“No. It would be my first time, too.”

“Then... aren’t you scared?”

Unconsciously, Vivian asked honestly.

This awkward, abnormal situation kept continuing. Whenever she talked to Kylo Allen, she kept revealing her vulnerabilities.

Suddenly, Vivian came to her senses.

Who was she saying this to?

If it’s Kylo Allen, he’d surely look down on her—

“—I’m scared.”

Kylo Allen replied.

Surprised by his answer, she looked up to see that his usually icy expression was slightly distorted.

It was an expression she didn’t expect from someone who accepted everything stoically.

“But even if I’m scared, I have to do it.”

“...”

“That way, I won’t be ignored by the adults.”

Listening to Kylo’s words made her feel bad, every single time.

Perhaps because of his background, certain parts felt even more unpleasant.

“Ha.”

However, regardless of her feelings, Vivian felt a weight lift off her shoulders.

She didn’t want to admit it, but she and Kylo Allen had many similarities.

Their age, their situations...

...Perhaps that’s why his actions felt like a kind of signpost.

Seeing Kylo, who was similar to herself, endure made her feel like she could do it too—that she had to do it.

Maybe that’s why the burden on her shoulders felt lighter. She felt like she could stamp the seal, even if just a little.

It felt like she was sharing the responsibility with Kylo Allen.

No, it was absurd, but it felt like Kylo Allen was carrying half of it for her.

—Swoosh.

Vivian felt her forearm grow cold.

Coming to her senses, she realized that Kylo Allen was letting go of her.

She didn’t even know when he had been holding her.

She only understood that the trembling in her arm had stopped.

Now that the unsettling warmth was gone, she felt oddly empty.

“...Don’t touch me.”

Realizing this, she warned him only after his hand had left.

Kylo Allen merely shrugged.

But among all these things, there was one thing she couldn’t understand.

Debating whether to ask or not, Vivian finally spoke.

“But... if you’re scared... why are you going out of your way to do this?”

Kylo Allen stood up.

Dusting off his legs, he said,

“Didn’t I say I’d prove that you’re weak? If we share the same burden, you won’t be able to make excuses later.”

Then Kylo Allen turned and left.

Watching his departing figure, Vivian rubbed her forearm.

– – – The End of The Chapter – – –

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